I've been processing some big things. So we're pregnant again for those that don't know. 12 weeks now. Just had an ultra sound and baby's looking good. For those that don't know, two months before we got pregnant with this baby we miscarried our third little one at about 8 weeks along. And if you're not in my immediate circle of friends you might not know that there have been so many miscarriages and still-borns, and complications with so many wonderful women. All this combined has made it so that I've not yet felt attached to this pregnancy. In my head I'm happy but my heart has yet to feel joy over this next life or much of anything. I told myself that it was because I was unsure if the baby was alive and healthy, until the ultra-sound. That once I saw that the baby was good I'd start to feel better. Well, the ultra-sound came and went yesterday and the feelings didn't follow. I was then faced with asking myself why? I had a few of my dear sweet friends over today and by talking to them I was able to process some more.
The initial thoughts I had were, what is the difference between fear that God will see it fit to take this next child before I think it's time and holding this little one with an open hand trusting God to do His will and helping me walk through the future what ever it may be.
The questions I struggle with are a bit different than what some ask when something hard happens. I don't usually ask God "Why?". I know God is real and I know God is smarter than me. What strikes me is what I 'know' in my head but my heart often fails to grasp. When I read about the people who were drawn to Jesus I'm left to wonder why. Prostitutes and tax collectors and basically people who were a mess and couldn't hide it any more were DRAWN to Him and He welcomed them. That strikes me because when I'm a mess I tend to HIDE from Him, feeling my unworthiness and feeling like I have to get stuff together before I can proceed to start doing all the right things and then try and restore the relationship. I feel scared of His disapproval which then more times than not immobilizes me.
Honestly, growing up in church and in Christian circles my whole life, my head KNOWS all the right answers. Jesus loves you. Jesus wants to have relationship with you. Jesus doesn't condemn you. Simply reciting this mantra to myself hasn't helped the information get from my head to my heart. I have realized that the Jesus I honestly believe in isn't the one of the Bible. I'm not drawn to Him when I'm a mess I hide. I don't have freedom to trust in my pain because of my fear that He won't catch me when I fall. And then I think back to the Jesus of the Bible, the one that people with messed up lives ARE drawn to and wonder what they saw that I'm missing. I want that. Not just in my head but my heart. To really FEEL the peace that comes from looking into the eyes of the Son of God who is almighty and all knowing and all powerful and also feels compassion for me in my mess. To let His perfect love actually cast out all fear and not just say the verse and hope it makes me feel better. Finding the balance of clinging to my faith because I won't always FEEL warm and fuzzy on this life, but staying centered in His peace.
This is big stuff, and somewhat vague, but the answer to the question 'how are you feeling' about this pregnancy.
So to wrap this little rant up, I feel like I'm in an ok place. I know I need to understand Who God is, and who He really is, not just spout out the right answer or know it in my head but believe it in my heart. That I'm wanting things to shift and wanting to be ok with being a mess and needing Him and wanting to learn to allow my perspective to change and conform to His Word, but honestly I'm not there yet. But I will be, because I know He will never give up on me for some crazy reason.
